I think I was 9 or 10 the first time I read my King James Bible. It had been my dad’s and he gave it to me, or maybe I asked him for it, that part I can’t remember. I do remember it had barely been touched. The pages were crisp and unworn. The black leather cover was smooth and shiny. As I write this, I realize what that implies. It never occurred to me until now, but I think it is safe to deduce that he never read it. What is amazing to me is that it saved my life and looking back I am totally convicted that it could have saved his life as well, but that is another story. There are many testimonies from Christians who say, “the Bible saved my life”. It’s more than just a cliché’ or turn of phrase. From the first time I opened that Bible to the place God has led me to today, my life has been a testimony of the truth of God’s word. His word is truly living and powerful and it changes us in ways we could never imagine…

The spiritual warfare in my house growing up was overwhelming. I knew as a child the difference between good and evil. I could feel it, the presence of light and darkness. I had dreams that left a lingering terror with me even after I managed to wake myself up, as if the evil were still in the room with me. I had been to church enough to know that the name of Jesus had power; we prayed in His name, and we sang about who He was in Sunday school; “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…” When I had these dreams where I could feel the presence of evil, I would pray to Jesus to save me. Sometimes I would declare my faith, “I belong to Jesus”. In the dreams I could feel the hatred the evil felt at these words; it was a menacing, threatening, totally frightening presence and yet I knew if I could fight back with the only weapon I had (Jesus) the evil could frighten me but never harm me in any real way. How did I know this?

My family was not like the Christian families of the Greg Laurie and Beth Moore generation. We did not talk about God. We said grace, a few recited the Lord’s Prayer, and sometimes my mom or grandmother said prayers at bedtime. We went to church at Christmas and Easter and a few days in between. I never thought much about this or what it meant. I only know now, looking back, that God was with me all the time despite my spotty attendance in church or lack of instruction. I was aware of His constant presence.

The more time I’ve spent in God’s word the more I am convicted of the truth that God chooses us as He chose Joseph in the book of Genesis. He chose us, each one. It did not matter that I did not go to church every Sunday, or that I was not in a youth group, or that I did not go on mission’s trips, or experience service projects. That was not my path.   But my walk with God as a child was no less miraculous, awe inspiring, or legitimate than the young believers who did have that type of experience.

During the height of these dreams I came home one day at age 12 to find out that a 10 year old girl who I loved deeply had tried to commit suicide. She was part of my family and I felt responsible for her. I pictured her in my mind; her hair was cut to her shoulders with straight bangs, her eyes were sky blue and her skin was perfect, complete with rosy cheeks and a small innocent smile. She was only just beginning to lose that little girl look. “She slit her wrists”, they said. No one knew why. It was a miracle she did not succeed. Someone found her and stopped her.  I don’t know who it was.

I was devastated and for many reasons that day, at the moment I found out, I was struck with the absolute certainty that I could not go on. That I could not go on with the life I was living; good little girl in the midst of chaos, getting good grades, setting a good example, trying to make everything ok for everyone else…I was not contemplating hurting myself but on a deep level I knew I was about to change, forever. I could not experience this and remain the same and what I sensed happening was a shift in my soul, a loss of faith, a change in character. I felt the anger and shock like a poison slipping down the back of my throat, quickly threatening to consume every part of me. I was in a pit, instantly thrown into darkness. I prayed to God and told Him that I could not believe He was real if He could let this happen. I asked God how He could allow this. I told Him I could not love a God who would let a little girl want to kill herself. I prayed in a way I had never prayed before. I pleaded with God to save me if He was there because I knew that I was about to lose Him, and with Him all hope.

Just as suddenly as I had fallen into despair and doubt, I felt something fill me; it was like having boundless joy poured into my body. (I realize that this will be hard for many to believe. I also know that there are times when we cry out and get no answer. I don’t know why I was blessed with this experience only God knows that, but if we believe that God is who He says He is, then maybe this is not that hard to believe after all). I suddenly had an awareness that I was in the presence of God. There really are no words to describe this “joy” as I am calling it but beyond this I knew that it was Jesus. Like a blind woman feeling the face of her beloved child, I had instant recognition that this “joy” that filled me was Christ. He spoke into my soul and told me everything was going to be ok; not just this horrible truth I was facing, not just my life, this child’s life, but everything, and not just right then, but for eternity. It was a feeling/message that I, given my limited understanding of God at that time, would never have conceived.

 

In the moment the feeling was so great, I had to get up and run because my body could hardly contain it. I was like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music on the mountain top, face thrust toward heaven, arms thrown wide, spinning and smiling with elation. It made no sense! To go from lying on the floor weeping under the weight of a pain that was all consuming, to that, is not physiologically possible in my experience. I have never again experienced anything like it and I have had moments of equal pain and sorrow in my life since then. I believe this is because when God speaks truth to us it becomes part of us. I will have that moment always. The message God gave me that day was not just for me. It was for everyone who believes in Him. Later I would read it in His word; “We desire each one of you to show the same earnestness in realizing the full assurance of hope until the end.” Hebrews 6:11 The full assurance of hope until the end.

I am happy to share that the child that tried to kill herself would grow up and become a Born Again Christian 10 years later and walk with God for the next 30 years. Sadly, the story does not always end that way.  This blog is dedicated to sharing what God has shown me over the past 35 years through the Bible, the people He has put in my life, and through my own trials, pits, and victories. I pray that my stories will bring hope and truth to others who long for the peace and joy that only comes from the one true God, and the living word He has left for us. Did God really tell a 12 year old that “everything would be ok”? Yes, he did, the Bible tells us so…

“Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In my Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. John 14:2

“Thank you God that you are close to the innocent, that your Holy Spirit comforts them and protects them in times of trouble. I pray that every man, woman, and child that has lost hope and thinks dying is the only way will be saved from the dark thoughts that burden their hearts and minds. Give them hope and open their eyes to see You Lord and not the ugliness that threatens to destroy them. I pray for the families affected by suicide, intercede where it is possible and give hope to their loved ones left behind, do not let them be crushed under the pain of their loss and devastation, give them peace. Have mercy on the souls of the lost Lord for we know that you are good and that it is your desire that none should perish. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.”